Positive Change? The Paradox of Starting The Best Job of Your Life

Life is riddled with paradoxes, and great leaders understand that blessings come with curses and vice-versa.  We do our best to rise up for the team and face the challenges when things go wrong, but what about when they go… well, right?

We often think of the impact of GRIEF in someone’s life as stemming from the loss of a loved one or the result of adverse life events, such as a cancer diagnosis.  However, any emotionally traumatic event significant enough to alter a person’s sense of reality will cause a person to enter the 5 stages of grief.

This is a true story of the traumatic impact of a positive change and the leadership tips to help employees in such situations excel at work.

The Two Year Recruit

You worked with Jason in the past.  You had always said that you would jump at the chance to get him to come to work for your firm.  You stay in touch with him for two years.  The recruiting overtones shift from innuendo to lust to stalking each passing month.

The time finally seems right for Jason and his family to make the move.  Jason accepts your invitation to bring his family to check out your location.  The interview process goes well.  Dinner with Jason, his wife, and his son that night goes even better.  The next morning you make Jason a rock-solid offer.  Jason confides the package is even stronger than he anticipated.  You are excited.  Jason is excited.

The New Job Awaits

Jason accepts.  It pays better than anything he’s ever had.  It gets his family out of an expensive city and into an affordable small town.  Good schools, good growth opportunities, good chance his family will thrive.  So he commits.  Nothing but positive changes are on the horizon.  Nothing but good things to come.  The family leaves the new city after the interview filled with excitement.  You both can’t wait for him to start in three weeks after he relocates.

The Impact Of The Emotions Of Change

Bad weather causes delays in the scheduled site visit and the house hunting trip the new company arranges.  As a result, Jason and his family don’t get to investigate and arrange for housing the way they had planned.  Nonetheless, Jason accepts the incredible offer figuring they will arrange temporary housing virtually.  This turns out not to be as easy as Jason thought.

Packing and financing the move creates tension and in-fighting at home.  Although being reimbursed for most of the expense, paying for the move upfront drops the account balance to just enough for the gas and hotels needed to move.  Desirable things that wouldn’t fit on the truck or in the car get pitched last minute.  Tensions mount.  Tempers flare.  Excitement turns to denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and frustration before reaching a point of desperate acceptance.

After a long drive across multiple snow-bound states, the family arrives to find their temporary housing is well below expectations.  Issue after issue needs to be resolved with the landlord over the next several weeks.  Some minor, many significant.  Like the hot water and some appliances are not working.  The home uses propane gas, the temperatures are about to plummet to -20, and the 400-gallon tank is empty. An expense the family had not anticipated.

Jason’s twelve-year-old son struggles to adapt to his new school.  It is always hard for the new kid to fit in and make new friends.  Especially when you are mature for your age, and typical twelve-year-old antics are unappealing.

Jason’s wife feels overwhelmed by all the difficulties and stresses of the move.  She is left to deal with all the issues and emotions while Jason heads off to work.  Additionally, she is trying to figure out what her new life will look like.  Where does she fit in?  Where will she make new friends?  Will she find employment?

Jason’s home is filled with emotions.  None of which are positive.  They are not eating or sleeping properly as they battle the struggles.  He and his wife are arguing, and she is beginning to wonder what he has gotten the family into.  Frankly, he is having similar thoughts.  They cling to the hope that all this is only temporary.  But even the idea of six or nine months of living with dashed expectations creates a significant mental strain.

This, friends, is the real-life impact of a POSITIVE change in someone’s world.  The perception of reality varies from person to person.  On the outside, a perceived positive change; from another perspective, an onslaught of challenges hell-bent on crushing the human soul and destroying a family if they can’t adapt quickly.

All this is taking its toll on Jason.  With each passing day he finds it more and more difficult to leave his personal struggles at home.  Just a week in the new job, he shows the telltale signs of burnout.

A Typical Leader Would Ask, “Did We Hire The Right Person?”

The highly anticipated new hire, a high-potential rock star candidate with a high-performance track record, shows up on day one acting vague, hazy, disconnected, and almost kind of disinterested, honestly.  Day one turns into week one.  Week one into month one.

It would be natural for a leader to doubt their judgment and choice of candidate.  Second-guessing yourself only shows that you don’t let your ego rule out the possibility that you made a mistake.  It’s a good thing, in other words.

On the low-end of the leadership spectrum would be a knee-jerk reaction like, “Dude, what in the absolute hell is your problem?”  Not seeing beyond the surface, the moment, or employing any tactics to even see the whole picture is a problem.

Another non-approach is just sitting on the fence…the “wait and see approach.”  If you are familiar with our leadership training, we liken this to ignoring a supercell thunderstorm overhead and then reacting with complete shock and surprise at the destruction on the ground after the tornado has blown through.  In this approach, the leader elects to deal with the performance issues after they arise, often leading to “performance improvement” plans and ultimately termination.

Relocation Takes Its Toll

If you think this is an isolated occurrence, think again.

The fact is that most organizations’ recruiting and on-boarding processes focus on getting the new hire through the benefits enrollment process and into the job as quickly as possible.  Unfortunately, this focus fails to acknowledge the toll a seemingly positive change takes on a family.  According to an Impact Group study, 70% of failed relocations result from the family not settling in and adapting.

 “GriefLeaders” Aren’t Typical Leaders

Unfortunately, most leaders are never trained on the principles of identifying and navigating the emotions of change.  Trained on how to identify, acknowledge, and respond to the tell-tail signs of exhaustion and distraction that indicate being overwhelmed or frustrated.

Some emotionally intuitive leaders will proactively approach the scenario with compassion and sincere concern.  They’ll ask questions, they’ll be empathetic and truly present, with an open mind and heart, rather than just inquiring in order to “engage.”

The good ones will offer help, and the great ones will adapt their leadership approach to provide support before the scenario unfolds.  These leaders acknowledge that no one can tell what is good fate or what is misfortune without knowing the whole story.

Organizations and leaders who engage us to help manage personal and organizational change understand that the whole story lives in the thundercloud overhead.  Untrained leaders will never look up or around, never ask questions, and sit on the fence until the tornado destroys the landscape.  Then they will address the performance issue.  Unfortunately, the performance issue is merely how the real issue presents itself.  The real problem is the EMOTIONS OF CHANGE.  Yes, even POSITIVE Change can come with overwhelming and debilitating emotions.  There is ALWAYS an elephant in the room when changes occur, and its name is GRIEF.

Only the best leaders.  The trained leaders recognize this fact, acknowledge it, and adapt their leadership approach to deal with it by emotionally supporting their employees through the change, even when it appears to be or should be a positive one.

Change ~ Grief ~ Change.

Anthony Casablanca

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