Battling With Bargaining

“I wish I had…if only I could…why didn’t I…maybe I should have…” 

Everyone questions where they went wrong or wishes for a time machine when they suffer a traumatic event. This is not a bad thing.  The support system tends to say, “don’t think like that” or “you can’t beat yourself up” or “look at the bright side.”  But the bargaining phase of the grief cycle is a valuable opportunity for self-discovery and improvement that shouldn’t be dissuaded, discouraged, or muted by superficial suggestions.

Asking reflective questions from a state of desperation can reveal the shortcomings we’ve been ignoring in ourselves.  It is quite possibly the most undervalued and overlooked stage of grief.  It can be indicative that one is on a path toward personal growth and improvement.

Now, what those introspective questions reveal may very well be a sobering reality that leads to the next stage of dealing with emotional trauma, the feelings of depression.  We’ll discuss that later, but for now, know that “bargaining” can be a useful self-help strategy for the mind and soul.  As a supportive leader, I’d rather see my distraught associate in a state of bargaining than denial any day.

How should a leader handle an employee in the bargaining stage of grief?

• Create an emotionally safe environment for the person to be able to discuss their feelings with you.
• Listen, acknowledge and explore their thoughts with them, but refrain from counseling them.
• Avoid saying things like, “yes, you probably should have done that.” Phrases like this can have adverse effects on the person and prolong their grief.

Why learning to lead emotionally traumatized/grieving employees matters

• Everyone is stricken by emotionally traumatic events that can lead to grief at some point in their lives.
• According to The Grief Recovery Institute study, productivity loss due to grieving employees suffering silently at work is as much as $75 billion annually.
• Grief and illness are the second leading cause of performance issues at work, according to the study.

Our culture expects the grieving person to “just get over it.”  At GriefLeaders, we believe that well trained and aware leaders who engage with the employee in the grief process can not only minimize the impact on productivity, but also help the grief healing process.

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To learn more about how leaders can help grieving employees excel at work, order your copy of our new book, The Dying Art of Leadership, available at the Bookbaby bookstore website and Amazon.

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Anthony Casablanca

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